


A simple sob story

by sherrycatalina



Category: Original Work
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-02
Updated: 2021-02-02
Packaged: 2021-03-13 08:20:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,717
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29150355
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sherrycatalina/pseuds/sherrycatalina
Summary: A sob story written in the depth of despair to a study group of random students having been formed when the author merely... wanted to know why there was a quiz on the first day of school.Seriously what the heck?But the author is moving on. And wanted to leave a simple story for others to see and learn.(And why burning bridges is okay to do ahahahahaha)





	A simple sob story

Hi, I know I’ve been an emotional mess lately and a terrible student. But I think I finally found the real reason why, and I just wanted to let everyone know how much this chat means to me. And err... this is a bit of a long message so I have no hard feelings if you want to ignore me hahaha. I get more emotional at night I swear!

And I also swear to god, when I created this chat, it was designed to be a source of help for me and others. So me spiraling into an abyss of negativity and suddenly losing control on life? Yup. Another example of how I keep finding myself in the most ridiculous situations in the most inopportune time too. 

But I sincerely love everyone here. Even if you haven’t been the most active or vocal... except you Alex, I think you’re an ass 99.99% of the time. I only really appreciate you for that 0.01% when you’re trying so hard to be nice and I find it absolutely hilarious. 

But I digress. 

While so many, and I mean so many, factors could be at play since I faced a lot of painful situations in such a short period of time at once——my disillusioned internship, the lack of true direction in my life, and hmmm... I guess being bedridden with near death symptoms from COVID-19 and I’m wondering when the best time would be to get up, drive, and admit myself into urgent care all a week before school even started... the sheer positivity of this amazing show called Haikyuu, and of course my brilliant fanfiction writing which I will shove in your faces later——none of these were the true issues in me.

I simply found myself wanting to change all of a sudden. A strange process... called growing up, completely out of the blue, and suddenly?

I want to be a better person! I want to reach out and make new “for life” friends! I want to improve on my thinking! I want to be funnier! I want to be more dramatic! I want to playfully be an idiot and suddenly serious out of nowhere! I want to play pranks on people! I want to be more considerate of others!! And I did... or at least I’m on my way! 

And having the privilege of meeting up again, with people I haven’t talked to over the months and even years, and introducing my new line of thought and actions, and seeing everyone respond so well to me. I felt supported for the first time haha. 

Plus to be fair, with the internal conflict of my previous self and the new self I am trying to be, I did feel a bit mentally unbalanced at first and bleeding out emotions everywhere because it’s a sudden change and I thought I need to get used to it and move on and be happier later I suppose.

But my group of friends, that I love and known for so long since we were dumb teenagers complaining about the workload of middle school and high school, were horrified. 

People can change, but no one likes change. And we’re so familiar with our safety and the level of comfort with each other and how we’re doing fine so no one wanted to step outside the bubble, for the longest time.

We froze... as people?

And I hated it. I’m curious, and I love challenges and I’m not ashamed!! But lasting scars from the past left me scared of being left alone so I hung on. And played the role of the idiot for so long, it became familiar. 

Recently, to me, they were unconsciously stopping me from chasing after my new self by introducing a new line of insecurities because what if my courage to be playful is coming across as sinister? What if I’m not being considerate but coming across as insincere to people’s problems? Trying to balance my new personality and watching my friends suddenly be so afraid of my newly unpredictable nature... this horrifies me. 

And my internal conflict stress grows. I lost motivation in school, I’m brimming with insecurities, I’m not sure how I should really act, I’ve locked myself in my room at times hiding in shame, I’m in constant indecision, I’m overthinking so hard in paranoia, I can’t relax, I can’t sleep, I can’t even eat, and I’m not sure where the right decisions are...

To me, I can’t even sit and study and focus because of my need to self-reflect. This semester has such bad timing, I’m genuinely thinking of dropping all my classes and coming back later. Push my graduation from less than a year to another year and let’s call it a day and wallow in anguish.

But now I’ve come to a stark choice in life... and it hurts.

Because today, I finally recognize the toxic nature of familiarity. We stopped caring how much we appear to each other, and at such a young age, that we haven’t completely grown out of the cruelty of children... things like being insensitive and not recognizing when someone is joking and when someone’s hurting.

Yesterday I watched in horror as one of my friends pops in saying how she suddenly wanted kids but she didn’t before for many years and wasn’t sure how her long term boyfriend would feel. And I rushed in trying to comfort her and say hey? You don’t know what he thinks right now?? You had the children conversation when you were immature and met right after high school but you’ve grown as people right? Just talk to him and let him be aware of how you think and feel. If you’ve left him thinking about it seriously again, there could be a chance for compromise and you’ll have to work it out and see where it goes there. That’s the best you can do!! Don’t dwell on the what if he ends up hating the kids... what if he ends up loving them instead??

I like to think I left pretty good advice. But I also have no love life, at all. So my credibility as a good source of advice? At an all time low. And probably for good, because you do not want to know the ridiculous situation my first and last attempt at dating was. The awkwardnessssssss...

But my other friend, who we all viewed as the next most experienced, even if she had her heart broken and merely binged on romantic movies and kdramas her whole life, started opening up a discussion on how parents who want kids end up hating them in the long run. 

And while I’m sure her discussion is very interesting, I didn’t think now was the right time for negative thinking. 

So I upped my game and I was constantly showering my uncertain friend with encouragement and I want her to really communicate.... seeing how everyone says communication is key. (Like I said, nonexistent love life) 

You’re allowed to not take my advice, but I still think in that moment everyone should all be positive and encouraging especially in the face of someone opening up about their insecurity of something. 

And suddenly the conversation turned vicious, at least to me and my sensitive mindset at the moment. She suddenly negatively attacked my statements in reverse. Why should you put in the effort? Don’t be so idealistic and naive. Consider the long term effects and be more serious about having kids. Stop saying people can change because that’s “abusive relationship” thinking and I hate it. I would never... and blah blah about some random show scenario or whatever

Honestly I stopped reading because I was in complete awe at how horribly insensitive my kdrama friend was. Have I never realized this? I just wanted to nudge my uncertain friend in the right direction while giving her positivity, because that conversation? Even I, and my limited experience with personal romance, can tell that was about to be a make it or break it conversation in their relationship soooo.... I’m sorry if I wanted her to go in with a bit more confidence buuuuut I could also be highly inconsiderate. I’m so tired these days hahahaha. (I’m constantly reevaluating my actions.)

The sad thing is? 

When I kinda wanted to preach and see if anyone could tell I want validation for trying to be more considerate these days, they spat back in my face saying that my advice was useless and we should never listen to you.... as we typically say in the past. I did get us in ridiculous situations because of my actions haha! But you know... intrusive thoughts hahahaha

Anyways, I finally had enough today. Or I guess at this point yesterday lol. One of my friends was feeling overwhelmed by school and I recommended her to take a break, even for 5 minutes. And while everyone mocked me for my terrible idea, I suddenly realized that I could take a break too! 

Hide from the world for a bit, and who cares about school since it’s just the first week? As long as I can finish my self-discovery during the weekends and start over! Completely break my old self and piece back a new version of myself I can be proud of while maintaining the painful realizations I made and upholding the lessons of life! 

In my haste, I wrote a long, genuine, message about how I need the break from the group chat to collect myself and “fix myself” and I must leave to ruminate on myself more! I did a full-blown dramatic exit and didn’t look back before deleting the app we use to communicate off my phone and computer.

I actually spent the day discussing my situation to my siblings and cousins and having fun side conversations here with you trying my new personality. Yesterday was wholesome. I completely didn’t care at all about the assignment due midnight and left in the number five while also putting a happy face next to it. 

Dr. Groves must be very confused hahaha!

I feel like I’m doing a good job in keeping my spirits up. And the fact that my family could see my efforts and not only recognized them but also told me how amazing it was that I was trying so hard??

I am. And will always be. A glutton for praise.

For a moment, my life seems like it’s looking up. And that’s when my life’s tendency for blowing everything up in my face happened and creating a brand new ridiculous situation. Honestly. The world wants me to be a complete joke so...

I received a text from a number, out of nowhere, with someone calling me cat. And a horrible suspicion filled me, because that’s the name my group of friends called me but I had bluntly told them to leave me alone on my break and to consider my need for time and privacy. 

But denial is something I’m a huge fan of! So I addressed the text like I would’ve if a complete stranger did. Apparently none of my friends’ names survived the Thanos snap of the random glitch on my contact names either so there was a strong likelihood!! 

Other people could’ve called me cat?? Right???

And I said, “hey? Who are you? I can’t see contact names right now so.”

And the unknown number said “wow so ruuuudeee you’ll never know”

And I know in that moment she was either trying to lift up my spirits and attempting a dumb joke, but I got furious that my request for some actual peace and quiet went unnoticed. And the fact she used my cell phone number meant she was aware of my attempts to stay away from our friend group chat.

I usually don’t have a temper, and it never shows up at all. But as passionate as you can see in my appreciation right now, my temper can be ruthless.

In an act of extreme childishness and logic, I immediately blocked her number to prevent myself from attacking her innocence.

Should she be aware of my actual wants right now, she would be warning the rest that I wasn’t in the mood for chatting... since I went out of my way and blocked her without warning.

But I severely underestimated their ability to read social cues.... or is this a sign that my credibility as a serious person has gone so unrecognized? 

A new text came in with another person calling me cat and I completely blew up. 

I tried saying, in the off case that “if it’s a genuine person looking for homework help or need to take their mind off of bad things, that I’m willing to help. But seeing as I can’t see names right now, I currently am not in the mood for guessing who you are and I’m not in the mood either to talk idly.”

Alex, if you’re seeing this story, you should totally ask for a screenshot because it’ll be a good reference so you’ll know when I’m genuinely pissed hahaha. I was pretty brutal here but I feel no regrets.

And the sad truth is? My group of friends and I? Not only was our current friendship actually me giving them a second chance after they were mean and immature to me back in high school and definitely didn’t abandon me for months or anything hahaha—

(There are cracks in our friendship even now; we just convinced ourselves they didn’t exist.)

But we’re not 13 anymore. I literally turned 20. We have to stop pretending we’re children and not adults about to be launched into the real world. 

And ironic, isn’t it?

I have always hated the theme of The Glass Menagerie. And I just ranted about my hatred earlier today. 

The real world... is such a cruel joke. 

If you don’t know, the presence of the gentleman caller was a sudden appearance. And the main characters, filled with bitterness at their positions in life but pretending to be happy, lived forcefully ignorant in their bubble from the cruelty of the world. That is, until the gentleman caller appeared.... and burst their bubble and unintentionally dragged them back into the real world. Just as sudden as his appearance and the painful truths behind what he says, the gentleman caller left almost immediately. 

And the book ended with the main characters characters in a mess trying to find meaning in their lives again.... Hope? Innocence? Happiness? Disappeared like a single blow to a candle.

Sorry for my morose thinking. 

I hated the negativity from that book. But I also considered that maybe its execution could’ve been used in a positive manner! Like the appearance of the gentleman caller didn’t need to have destroyed these main characters at all, he could’ve stayed and built them all back up! And then maybe leave if he had to or not, but as long as he was considerate and tried to help, it should be fine? 

Interesting, that I had subconsciously been trying to incorporate the positive execution and this way of thinking in my story since university started... but I didn’t really think much about it until now a couple of years later with a new attempt, and I’m succeeding at writing it now.

How long was the world laughing anyways? How long did the world know about the way my friendship was going to end on?

I’m currently staring at my acting hat and wondering if I need to play... for the sake of teaching my friends a painful life lesson about being sensitive and considerate to others... the role of the gentleman caller I hated since we were first introduced.

But for the sake of my well-being and my friends’ well-being for the future, I’m willing to do anything. Even if it meant, having to sacrifice myself as the villain and shatter our beautiful long friendship.

And I never wanted to be the bad guy. I’ve had so many emotional breakdowns at the mere idea of me turning sinister and manipulative...

Who knew I would end up becoming so willingly?

My life is filled with so many ridiculous situations.

What should I do?


End file.
